Wisdom of WOC: Insights on Building Authentic Donor Relationships with Marilyn Alexander
The Wisdom of WOC is a monthly advice column where the WOC Community can submit its questions about fundraising and philanthropy, and have them answered by our founder, Yolanda F. Johnson, and special guest editors from the WOC community.
From Our Mailbag
Q: You’ve built your career in major gift fundraising across different mission-driven organizations. Looking back, what experiences most shaped how you approach donor relationships today, and how has your thinking evolved over time?
A: One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that fundraising is far more about relationships than transactions.
Early in my career, I focused heavily on the ask itself. Over time, I realized that the ask is often the easiest part when you've done the work to build a genuine relationship.
I've come to see major gift fundraising as being surprisingly similar to dating. You don't meet someone for the first time and immediately ask them to marry you. You spend time getting to know them. You learn what matters to them, what they value, and whether there is genuine alignment.
My most confident asks have come after I've had the opportunity to truly understand a donor's interests, values, and motivations. At that point, the conversation feels less like a sales pitch and more like an invitation to be part of something meaningful.
The gift is important, but it is usually the outcome, not the starting point.
Q: Major gift fundraising is often described as relationship building rather than fundraising. What's one lesson you've learned about cultivating authentic donor relationships that you wish you had learned earlier in your career?
A: Over the years, I've learned that my intuition often notices things before I can fully explain them. Sometimes it's a feeling that a donor needs more time. Other times it's a sense that a proposal isn't quite the right fit or that pushing for a gift too quickly could damage a relationship.
While metrics, research, and strategy are important, some of the most valuable insights I've gained have come from listening to that inner voice.
Early in my career, I sometimes ignored those instincts because I felt pressure to follow timelines, hit metrics, or move donors through a prescribed cultivation process. More often than not, I discovered that my initial instincts had been right.
Sometimes listening to my gut did not result in the gift amount I had originally hoped for, but it did result in a gift. In those moments, I learned that honoring the relationship often matters more than maximizing a single gift.
Q: As a woman of color in philanthropy, have there been moments when your lived experience helped you build deeper trust or connection with donors or colleagues in a meaningful way?
A: As a woman of color and a child of immigrants, I've spent much of my life navigating different cultures, perspectives, and environments. That experience has shaped how I approach relationships, both professionally and personally.
I've learned that one of the quickest ways to build trust is to look for common ground. It doesn't have to be something significant. Sometimes it's a shared experience, a similar value, a common challenge, or even a mutual interest. Whatever it is, finding that point of connection creates a foundation for trust.
Some of the strongest connections I've formed in fundraising have been with people whose backgrounds, professions, generations, or life experiences looked very different from my own. More often than not, I've found that curiosity opens doors and helps us discover we have far more in common than we initially realized.
Q: You've remained deeply committed to organizations whose missions align with your values. How do you decide whether a role or organization is the right fit for your growth and your purpose?
A: For me, deciding whether an organization is the right fit starts with the mission. If I don't genuinely believe in the work being done and the impact it has on the people being served, I won't be effective as a fundraiser. When you believe deeply in a mission, fundraising doesn't feel like selling. It feels like helping people understand the difference they can make.
Equally important is leadership. As frontline fundraisers, we ask donors to place their trust in an institution, and that requires us to have confidence in the people leading it. I've learned that it's difficult to represent an organization if I don't trust and respect its leadership.
I also look for opportunities where growth is valued. Throughout my career, mentors and leaders have invested in me, challenged me, and helped me navigate the profession. As I've gained experience, I've become increasingly committed to doing the same for others.
Ultimately, the right fit exists at the intersection of mission, leadership, and growth.
Q: You often work with donors who want to create lasting impact. What distinguishes a truly transformational gift from a transactional one, and how can fundraisers help inspire that deeper level of engagement?
A: Transformational philanthropy is not defined by the amount of a gift. It is defined by the difference that gift makes. If a contribution changes the course of even one person's life, I would argue that it has the potential to be transformational.
Some of the most transformational gifts I've witnessed are the ones that changed the trajectory of a person's life: a scholarship that made education accessible, a housing opportunity that allowed someone to pursue a dream internship, or a gift-in-kind that provided resources at exactly the right moment. Sometimes a single act of generosity can create ripple effects that extend far beyond what anyone initially imagined.
I believe fundraisers play an important role in helping donors see that possibility. Our job is not simply to ask for support. It is to help donors see the people, stories, and possibilities behind the need.
Q: From earning your Girl Scout Gold Award to serving on the WOC Greater New York Chapter, leadership and service have been recurring themes in your journey. What advice would you give women who are stepping into leadership roles before they feel completely ready?
A: My advice is simple: don't wait until you feel 100% ready, because that moment may never come.
Leadership is not about having all the answers. We often assume confidence comes before action, when in reality confidence is usually the result of action. We build confidence by doing the work, making mistakes, asking questions, and learning along the way.
It's also important to recognize that feeling scared is completely normal. In fact, I think a certain amount of fear is healthy. It means you care. The goal isn't to eliminate fear; it's to keep moving forward despite it.
I've also learned that we don't develop as leaders in isolation. Seek out people who challenge you, support you, and help you grow. And as you gain experience, remember to do the same for others.
Q: As WOC moves forward after celebrating its fifth anniversary in 2025, what gives you the greatest hope for the future of philanthropy, and what role do you believe women of color will play in shaping that future?
A: What gives me hope for the future of philanthropy is the growing recognition that better solutions emerge when more voices are included in the conversation.
I am especially encouraged by the number of women of color stepping into leadership positions across the sector. We bring valuable lived experiences, perspectives, and approaches to relationship-building that strengthen our organizations and communities.
My hope is that we continue to move beyond simply creating seats at the table and focus on ensuring that our voices, and the voices of future generations, help shape decisions. Representation matters, but true inclusion requires influence.
None of us succeeds alone. We must continue investing in one another, mentoring emerging leaders, and creating pathways for those coming behind us.
Q: If you could leave our community with one piece of wisdom from your career and service, what would you want it to be?
A: If I could leave our community with one piece of wisdom, it would be this: know your value and never shrink yourself to make others comfortable.
Throughout my career, I've learned that I worked hard to earn my seat at the table, and I deserve to be there just as much as anyone else. There will always be people who question your ideas, your qualifications, or whether you belong. Some will even try to dominate the conversation and make you feel small. Don't let them.
Trust yourself. Trust the work you've put in. Don't be afraid to take up space. Never forget that you belong in every room you've worked hard to enter.
This Week’s Expert
Marilyn Alexander
Major Gifts Officer, International House
Marilyn Alexander (she/her) has worked in fundraising and philanthropy since 2014 and currently serves as the inaugural Major Gifts Officer at International House in New York City, where she partners with alumni and friends of the organization to support programs that foster cross-cultural understanding and global citizenship among a diverse community of students, scholars, and young professionals.
Throughout her fundraising career, Marilyn has held roles at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital, the Endometriosis Foundation of America, and A Better Chance, building meaningful relationships between donors and the causes they care about most. Prior to her career in philanthropy, Marilyn worked as a patent paralegal while pursuing a legal career before ultimately finding her passion in mission-driven work and relationship-based fundraising.
Marilyn holds a Bachelor of Business Administration from Pace University's Lubin School of Business and a Master of Arts in International Affairs from The New School. She is an active member of Women of Color in Fundraising and Philanthropy, serving on the advisory committee for the Greater New York Chapter and as a recipient of the 2023 Shine Award. She is also a member of the Association of Fundraising Professionals and serves on the Board of Trustees of SOLS 24/7 Foundation, Inc.
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